How to not be FAT

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You’re fat because you’re lazy. No, it’s not your thyroid or your bone density or whatever. You’re just lazy. I’m also lazy, but I’m not a fat ass like you. You can be just like me, if you utilize your laziness to it’s full potential. Be lazy when it comes to eating, because your over productivity in shoving your face with food doesn’t benefit you in any way shape or form.

THE SMOKENCANVAS LAZY GUIDE TO NOT BEING FAT

#1: Go to the store and buy 10 jugs of water. The 1.5 gallon bottles of water.

#2: Go home and drink water until you feel full.

#3: If you’re really hungry, eat a cracker.

#4: Go to the store and buy more water. Drink it.

#5: Do this everyday for a month.

After a month start eating like a normal person. A normal person diet consists of a coffee in the morning, no breakfast, no lunch and a feast of everything you can eat in one sitting for dinner. Yea it’s that simple and you knew it all along fatso.

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Fun questions women ask!

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Here’s some fun questions women you date may ask, and how I recommend you answer them.

“How many women have you had sex with?”

How to answer: Grab a pen and paper, and start from the very beginning. Think really hard, and list every girl’s name in chronological order. After doing so, tell a short story about a sexcapade or series of them that you’ve had with each girl. If you really want to impress, label the girl’s who you had the best sex with and which one’s gave the most unforgettable blowjobs etc.

“Are you attracted to my brains or my body?”

How to answer: A brief moment of silence is the key to answering this question. Nod your head, light a smoke, and look around the surrounding area. The moment she interrupts your deep thought, answer her with a smug smile, and lean in for a deep kiss. Look deeply into her eye’s, and say “I’m sorry babe, I didn’t hear anything you said. I just stare into your eyes, and have dirty fantasies.” Optional: You can follow up with another smooching for the home run.

“Am I fat?”

How to answer: Pull out your smart phone, tablet, or laptop and google the key phrase “Ariana Grande Weight Body Statistics.” You must always be prepared for this question, so always keep a measuring tape nearby and bookmark the above search on all of your devices. Proceed to compare measurements between this girl and Ariana Grande with your measuring tape. If her measurements aren’t up to par, clasp both hands up against your face (covering your eyes) and pretend to sulk and cry. Play it up like a pro by exclaiming “Oh God, what have I done!? I’m with a fattie.”

“What are you thinking?”

How to answer: Shotgun your drink, and pause for an epic “burp.” Blink your eyes a couple times, examine her from head to toe, and then under your breathe say “nope, not yet.”