I hate to hate you: Part 3/3


She pushed me onto the bed, and took a deep drag of her smoke as we locked eyes. 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi. She didn’t blink, nor did I…


Her: “Wanna bet?”

Me: “…”

I silently stared her down, as she leaned in and slowly started unbuckling my belt with a smug look on her face.

Me: “Yo! Throw that shit out, before it burns a hole in my bed!” *BLINK* *BLINK*

(Regained composure – hoping she’s too far gone to have caught that)

After tossing the cigarette, she made her way to the bedroom door and flicked the light switch off. I could feel her lean in close, and whisper “I win.”

Me: “Fuck you :-)”


40 minutes later…

Her: “E, you up for another round?”

Me: “We just went through this over an hour ago.”

Her: “Ok, ok, ok… Be right back.”

Ugh, I could feel it staring at me again. I grabbed the decorated envelope off of the night table, and held it up to the bright moon shining through my window. I couldn’t believe I was contemplating opening this again, considering what had just transpired.

Her: “E, what’s that?”

Me: “Don’t worry about it. Got drinks?”

Her: “Yea, here.”

She passes over a drink, and proceeds to cuddle up next to me. A minute of silence transpired, as an awkward tension engulfed the dark room.

Her: “It’s ****** isn’t it?”

Me: “Yea.”

Her: “E, you know it’s okay to feel emotional. I’m here for you.”

Me: *Sigh*

Her: “Ouu, the envelope looks really pretty. Do you want to open it?”

Me: *Sigh*

Her: “Do you want me to read it to you?”

Me: *Sigh*

Her: “Open it you grouch.”

Listening to her read the double-sided 5 page farewell letter you left me, was the most painful 20 minutes of my life.

Although it’s been 3 months since I left for China, you’ve been on my mind. This is for you…

  • I HATE the emotions I felt that night, and the ones that I’m feeling right now.
  • I HATE that you baked me banana bread, and won my family over with it.
  • I HATE the way your eyes light up every time you looked at me.
  • I HATE that you always told me to look at the bright side of things.
  • I HATE that you believed in me.
  • I HATE that you know me as well as my family does.
  • I HATE that you completely overlooked my somewhat negative and dark outlook of the world.
  • I HATE that you were always there for me, even when everything in my life was looking grim.
  • I HATE that you a hold a special place in my heart.
  • I HATE that you mailed me that letter.


Maybe this will get around to you one day…

I miss you.


I hate to hate you: Part 1/3


To you,

The truth is:

  • This journey hasn’t been easy.
  • Heavy emotions are on the horizon.
  • I recognize that these emotions are only temporary.
  • Everything is temporary.


  • You’ve been on my mind.
  • I’ve realized that I hate you.
  • I hate that I hate you.

The letter you left me, haunts me in my sleep. I knew it would…

I left it sitting on my night table unopened, for a month after I last saw you. Many late nights when I stumbled into my place in a drunken haze, I would consider opening it. Every morning I woke up and leaned over my bed to discover it unopened, logic insisted that I burn it and/or expose of it.

It taunted me, and made feeble attempts at manipulating me into opening it.

But, I couldn’t open it… I couldn’t expose of it…

Coming next: I hate to hate you: part 2/3