The letter she wrote pt. 2/2 from “I hate to hate you”

But, fear cannot be divided – there is only one kind that truly exists and it dare not move away from its own patterns of thinking. Until we free ourselves from FEAR itself, we will continue to live in the darkness. Not just in love but all aspects of life. Where there is any cause of fear – there is an ending. And as long as we run from it we increase it.

Originally, I was going to write about the following:

  • What I want for you
  • Where to go from here
  • Why I was so upset

But I felt I would take a different approach.

Ian, I can’t show the beautiful person you are if you refuse to even see it. Time will allow or the undressing of your true self as it continues to evolve. I can’t tell you to let out something that you don’t want to feel. I hope you give it that chance one day to show you what things could be – but as long as you hold powerful thoughts towards why you don’t want to, you will always remind yourself what will happen “if you fall in that trap again.” 

Why do we live in fear for the slight chance of something bad happening where there is a 99% chance that something good might just happen.

It is only when thought is present is there fear.

This applies to everyone on this planet, and I know that the day you decide to let go and “view the world before it made you feel numb” I’ll be there. Not because you are doing anything for me, but for you. Because I don’t know a lot about the fine print details of your past. But I know you deserve the best. The truth is, you and I, will always hold a piece of each other. That piece that never ever gives up. That part that forever connects us – the part that always has since the beginning. And I will always love you Ian. You were the beginning of my experiences with guys, you are the first person I ever trusted with my feelings and my heart.

I don’t know what the future holds but I do know this – We need each other. Not out of weakness, but out of strength. And I do believe you and I will fall again. Perhaps in another 8 years, or maybe 8 years after that. Maybe we never get it right. As long as I get to love you until the end, well, I guess that might be enough for me. (even if you never truly know it)

You are my drug and always have been. And I’m pretty sure you always will be.

PS. No need to respond. This is simply what I had to say. If you decide to keep me at a distance, that is your choice. But I’ll always be around if you were to change your mind. Enjoy life Ian. It is no short ride but a long adventure.

I love you.

Read “I hate to hate you” here: I hate to hate you: Part 1/3

The letter she wrote pt.1.5/2 from “I hate to hate you”

Ian,

Last night in the still hour of 12 am I began thinking about the last few months with you. I was caught, frozen in one specific instance that I couldn’t seem to shake. You see it was 8 long years we waited. Time stretched so far if began to grow with us. As if we both were trees within a forest, growing roots – extending them through the hard clay soil. Our roots continued growing on opposite sides of this forest floor, hoping one day to finally meet ends and become entangled in each others. For years we would stand still, rooted in the ground, allowing the seasons to take over us. We began in spring, as we grew emerald leaves that developed into a deep rich canopy. Our roots began to grow closer, summer time came around, and the small delicate leaves morphed into thick angle pointed pieces. When the wind blew, the leaves began to shake back and forth,  we would wave at each other. Sometimes, the sun would shine so brightly that when each little hand waved at me, I could see the life within. After a while, our colors began to brighten as we shivered together at the first breath of fall. Each day we would dress up for each other. You in ruby red and shades of brilliant yellow – and me, glowing oranges and pale pinks.

For weeks we would allow this energy to consume us whole. It was only until we began to lose our foliage and stand there, naked in front of one another. We began to reach for each others roots, growing even closer, winter arrived shortly after this, we still admired each other throughout these transitions. Frost lightly covering your exterior made me admire you even more, as I knew this cold layer was clinging onto a warm, brave soul inside. Its attempts to hurt you never lasted, you stood tall for weeks, knowing that soon it would be spring. This is the dance we did year after year, over and over until…

The time was 10:23 pm, I remember it because I wrote it down. I was parked on the side of the road waiting to see you for the first time in a long time. I recall quickly getting ready to see you as we agreed this was our moment and you were correct. It was. The moment had presented itself over and over and over and over again, but for the first time we seized the moment or the the moment seized us? I guess that’s how is happens, right? The moment doesn’t capture you and show you what to do, it simply presents a shadow, and we chose to unveil its spectrum within. Like a box of cracker jacks, we opened it – excited to find the prize inside. Expecting a small toy or mini game. The prize was not something as temporary as a slight distraction. The prize was more than a simple momentary diversion, but a moment to get lost in and bathe in (for as long as time allowed).

The moment we walked up to each other and looked into one another eyes – I found that feeling again. I had relocated a single emotion I had remembered feeling in my early teens. This unshakable comfort I had always found within your eyes instantly returned. this was all I could think about as I held my box of things at your doorstep. One by one I looked through the contents of the box, finding each and every puzzle piece from our jigsaw. It was that single moment of looking into your eyes that with one sole glance spoke everything I had wanted to tell you over the past 8 years, and yet this simple act of picking up a box including our time line had spoke just as loudly. Suddenly, I felt alone in the forest again, but awaiting clear cut. The trucks moved closer and closer clearing the entire pathway. Before I knew it, I took my final breath and had fallen to the forest floor.

Of the moments we spent together, we were magnetized from the start. Words spoken were almost felt as the frequency of each other sentence spiraled into the orchestra within our ears, playing light and beautiful symphonies. Even now, I can still hear the music playing.

What I want to say, in this sprawl of thought and powerful imagery is that I see you. I see you for your past and who you were, I see you in your words, your stories, your fears, I see you in your own eyes and ofcourse – I see you as the person that you are today. Ian, I always have. I see all your light and I accept all your dark. I only have ever wanted the absolute best for you. As I said before, there is a light within you, one that you know exists. It seems as though you’d rather keep it hidden within instead of releasing it externally and that’s okay. One day you will stop fighting it and allow it to just be. But I won’t leave your side until then, I will be here, I want to be there. If there is one thing I have noticed it’s that life is always better with you around. I’ll say it again. And maybe this is partially out of the comfort you have always brought me, that just seemed to stick or perhaps  it’s the fact that loving who you are seems to be the easiest thing I’ve ever known how to do. It does become tricky through our rough patches and conflicting minds, but there is always love present. Even throughout the absolute worst moments we have experienced together, love was always present.

Maybe this is my ability to always see the good in people, or maybe it’s me actively deciding to make the choice. Maybe it was the separation that drew you closer. You never failed to mention that I was the one girl that got away – the one you wish you never let go of. Well Ian, I’m here to tell you that I never let go. I never went away, we just began living our lives wanting each other in them (I’m not sure if there was ever a point that I didn’t want you around. I love having you around). And the true beauty of you and I is that we never end. The raw truth is that we avoid allowing ourselves to love one another because we are both afraid – as we always have been.

Read “I hate to hate you” here: I hate to hate you: Part 1/3

The letter she wrote pt. 1/2 from “I hate to hate you”

When you would lay in the halls with Nadia. When we tried to sneak you into shave for cancer. When you put your skateboard away in your locker. Math class… When I was sick, Melissa called me and you were near the payphone but we were both too shy to speak to one another. When you were going to fight someone – and the times I’d hear about it from others. Seeing you at the smokers pit – any excuse to hang out with you.

Ian,

Eight years ago, you left a math exam at Sacred Heart. In silence you returned the calculator I had borrowed to you, gathered your bag and left. This was the last time I ever saw you. The strangest part is, a part of me knew but didn’t want it to be true. Moments flashed before me, art class – you always looking at me, or coming up to my desk sometimes, I would find you in the halls before class baked out of your mind, and I would walk you to class. Just an excuse to be around you. I didn’t care – despite how against it I was.

You see, you actually broke down quite a few walls in my life. What wasn’t always clear at the the moment has certainly become transparent over the years I’ve seen so many different sides of you. More than a person would expect to see in a semester or two. And times when I normally would have been afraid – I tried to understand you and I really didn’t judge you.

8 years later I reflect on your presence in my life. Even from afar you were always true. Always. Even when we stopped talking for months, or even sometimes a year – I always knew when I needed you, I could call you and you knew the same for me.

I remember sitting on MSN spending hours speaking about what you were doing and how I didn’t agree. I saw your worth much before you did. 

What I really want to say is, no matter what you said or did or told me, anyone who knows me well knows I never stopped thinking about you. I never stopped caring about you – a part of me has always loved you. As  I see your colors emerge over these past years I recognize you are truly starting to find your true self. Less emotional pains you were suffering, less the drug use, less violence, not-a-care-in-the-world attitude. You are full of life and really beginning to shed your old self, out of date layers.

There aren’t many things that can make me cry easily. Unless I am emotional and on my time of the month – I really don’t cry easy.

Forever young is the only song that has and continues to make me cry. Someone very close to me told me a story about how her Mom and Grandpa at the same time were slow dancing to this song before he passed away. That image really resonated with me .

That song also reminds me of something else. It brings back many memories at high school and fluctuating emotions I felt all through those social experimental years. One person that really comes to mind in this song is you.

Because I haven’t seen you in so long. I feel like time has been frozen – until this very moment. I suppose I’m trying to decide if freezing time has made you more valuable in my life, or added so much more to my life story.

But 8 years ago today – you walked back into my life.

Read “I hate to hate you” here: I hate to hate you: Part 1/3

Playing with fire

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I’ve been preoccupied… Experimenting… With a creature that we all too often overlook – “the slu.” My experiences with slu’s have never extended the scope of a fucked up night raw dogging until the sun comes up…. And sometimes skipping work for a couple days to continue raw dogging until her vajj is K.O’ed; lips so swollen it looks like she got fat from her ass injected into them. But I wanted to try something different, as I’m naturally a curious person. I like playing with fire, so I took a slu under my wing for a good period of time. I have some notes to share with you in the form of a data sheet. Here we will cover the good, the bad, the ugly and some cool stuff about these creatures:

5 ways to identify them:

  1. Tattoos – If they’re visible just whip your cock out in her presence. You’ll thank me later. We’ve covered this before, click the link https://smokencanvas.wordpress.com/2016/05/20/women-tattoos/
  1. “Fuck, Cunt, Pussy, Cock”-If she frequents these words, she is all too familiar with cock filling the empty space in her pussy, cunt etc.
  1. Numb– Tickle her – this is a surefire way to determine whether your new girl is a slu. If there’s no physical response, you know what you have on or in your hands.
  1. Guilty by association – If she nonchalantly tells you her girls cheat on their boytoys, get the fuck out my dude. You will be cucked next, and she’ll brag about it.
  1. If she smokes, she pokes – Need I say I more. And no, women and men aren’t held to the same standards. A mans value is based on a different set of qualities in contrast to a woman’s.

The Good Stuff:

  1. Compliance –She will not question you or your decisions. You tell her what to do, and she will do it in confidence. You are her master, she is your dog and she likes it that way. “Sit, paw, good doggie! Here’s a treat, I am so proud of you.”
  1. Fucking – She’s not a prude. She asks your preference after a long day of work and she truly cares about the well being of your cock. “Baby what do you want? To fuck, make love, I can suck you off, or make love to your cock with my mouth.”
  1. Moneys flowing, Slu’s humble – You should always keep your money straight. Regardless of your fem situation or how handsome you are, this is the one of the most powerful tools in your arsenal. Most millennials do not know how to handle money; you can control, contain or dissolve all circumstances/ troubles around you if you have large sums of money behind you. I’ve created a system for you to follow, click the link https://smokencanvas.wordpress.com/2015/09/21/the-asshole-method-money-management/

The Bad Stuff:

  1. Guy A, B, C, D, E –You may use this woman as a colostomy bag for your jizz, but you need to understand; you’re not the only one using her for this purpose.

Why you should deal with them:

Believe it or not, slu’s are good to keep around if you can maintain control over them. They are submissive, and will do anything and everything to please their men. However, you need to be careful not to catch feelings. These creatures are master manipulators, and the most recent one I’ve had dealings with has taught me a couple things I was too ignorant to clearly identify before. I sincerly thank her for that.

6 steps to dealing with them:

#1: Understand these creatures want the illusion of love: Make her breakfast and coffee in the morning, fix her hair and do cute stuff for her behind closed doors. But never in public.

#2: Facebook and Social Networking is a big NO NO: Do not change your relationship status, and by no means will you allow photos with her to circulate on your online domain.

#3: Not a drop of those bad boys go to waste: Yup that’s right… They go deep down down her throat every morning you wake up. I couldn’t imagine starting my morning any other way.

#4: Texting: There are no smiley faces, or emojis. There is “ok” “yes” “no” and “maybe.” That is all…

#5: Avoid all temptation to get in deep: She will do everything in her power to get you in deep. If you’ve followed the above, you are in the power position right now. Do not buckle. Keep her in the same spot where you’re in power and benefiting from her presence 10 fold.

#6: Keep her as entertainment till it’s time to settle down Long as you continue to fuck her good, and treat her well she will be well trained to do as she’s told. She will stay out of your affairs, and come by you at your wish and disposal. She respects you, and will disappear at the drop of a dime when you decide to cut ties for a proper woman. She may claim to be heart broken and shed tears, but she would have destroyed you way worse had you given her the opportunity. And she knows it….

Playing with fire can be fun, long as it doesn’t leave a burning sensation in your crotch area.

The Final Verdict: Women with short hair

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Final Verdict: I haven’t seen or met a single woman in my life that would look better with short hair than with long hair. If you consciously choose to uglify yourself by chopping off your hair, you have problems. Bare in mind, these are 10/10’s; you’re probably a 5 or 6, we’re trying to help you. Short hair may as well be considered self damage, and dying your hair stupid colors just indicates to the world that you’re a freak.

Fun questions women ask!

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Here’s some fun questions women you date may ask, and how I recommend you answer them.

“How many women have you had sex with?”

How to answer: Grab a pen and paper, and start from the very beginning. Think really hard, and list every girl’s name in chronological order. After doing so, tell a short story about a sexcapade or series of them that you’ve had with each girl. If you really want to impress, label the girl’s who you had the best sex with and which one’s gave the most unforgettable blowjobs etc.

“Are you attracted to my brains or my body?”

How to answer: A brief moment of silence is the key to answering this question. Nod your head, light a smoke, and look around the surrounding area. The moment she interrupts your deep thought, answer her with a smug smile, and lean in for a deep kiss. Look deeply into her eye’s, and say “I’m sorry babe, I didn’t hear anything you said. I just stare into your eyes, and have dirty fantasies.” Optional: You can follow up with another smooching for the home run.

“Am I fat?”

How to answer: Pull out your smart phone, tablet, or laptop and google the key phrase “Ariana Grande Weight Body Statistics.” You must always be prepared for this question, so always keep a measuring tape nearby and bookmark the above search on all of your devices. Proceed to compare measurements between this girl and Ariana Grande with your measuring tape. If her measurements aren’t up to par, clasp both hands up against your face (covering your eyes) and pretend to sulk and cry. Play it up like a pro by exclaiming “Oh God, what have I done!? I’m with a fattie.”

“What are you thinking?”

How to answer: Shotgun your drink, and pause for an epic “burp.” Blink your eyes a couple times, examine her from head to toe, and then under your breathe say “nope, not yet.”