How to not be FAT

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You’re fat because you’re lazy. No, it’s not your thyroid or your bone density or whatever. You’re just lazy. I’m also lazy, but I’m not a fat ass like you. You can be just like me, if you utilize your laziness to it’s full potential. Be lazy when it comes to eating, because your over productivity in shoving your face with food doesn’t benefit you in any way shape or form.

THE SMOKENCANVAS LAZY GUIDE TO NOT BEING FAT

#1: Go to the store and buy 10 jugs of water. The 1.5 gallon bottles of water.

#2: Go home and drink water until you feel full.

#3: If you’re really hungry, eat a cracker.

#4: Go to the store and buy more water. Drink it.

#5: Do this everyday for a month.

After a month start eating like a normal person. A normal person diet consists of a coffee in the morning, no breakfast, no lunch and a feast of everything you can eat in one sitting for dinner. Yea it’s that simple and you knew it all along fatso.

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The 4 week Smokencanvas Program

Do everything listed below over the course of 4 weeks.

1. Workout everyday: Do something, anything. Go to the gym, do P90X or Insanity, go for a run or a walk.
2. Drink 10-15 bottles of water everyday.
3. Drink at least 1 protein shake everyday after working out. The $25 stuff from Walmart is fine.
4. Take 2-4 fish oil soft gel pills everyday.
5. Eat a bowl of oatmeal everyday.
6. Stop smoking pot. Instead drink whisky.
7. Smoking cigarettes is fine, if you choose to do so.
8. Always start your morning with a cup of coffee. Instant coffee is fine.
9. Consolidate your credit card debt, and make a plan to pay it all off within the next 6 months.
10. Stop using your credit card.
11. Open a savings account.
12. Deposit 15% – 20% of your current disposable income into your savings account, and don’t touch it.
13. Stop contributing money to a pension plan.
14. Buy a book, and read it.
15. Stop playing video games.
16. Stop watching porn.
17. Stop jerking off; limit it to once a week.
18. Go to church once.
19. Chew gum religiously.
20. Start a new hobbie (ie) learning a new language, learning an instrument, drawing, painting etc.
21. Throw out all the stuff you don’t use.
22. Stop texting. Instead call or send an audio message.
23. Stop asking women for advice.
24. Only contact women for sex or “to chill and watch netflix” (sex).
25. Turn your phone off before you go to bed.
26. Get 8 hours of sleep every night.
27. Get a haircut that doesn’t require much maintenance; I recommend a buzz cut.
28. Throw out all of your t-shirts with stupid logos, and replace them with polos (anything with a collar works).
29. Buy a $10 pack of plain white tees, that’s all you need. Or if your a slob like me, get grey or black.
30. Grow your facial hair out; it doesn’t matter if you can’t grow a full beard. Trim it once a week.
31. Buy a watch with just the basic functions. I recommend Timex.
32. Toss your jeans if they’re hanging off your ass without a belt. Drop by a thrift store, and pick up a couple pairs that fit.
33. Fuck off with your Air Jordan extra shock basketball pumps, get some normal sneakers. I recommend the original Adidas Superstar.
34. Eat cashew nuts at least once a week.

Evolution

gorilla

Before I had set out on a mission to rebuild my life two years ago, I must have been over 6K in debt. The duration of this rebuild has had it’s ups and downs, but the pay off has proven to be bitter sweet. I’m now sitting on a solid foundation of money.

I currently have three monthly expenses: my cell phone bill, public transit commuting, and a TESOL certification course, which are all minimal expenses.

I live like I’m poor. I can afford to purchase my own whip, but I don’t want one. I can get my own space closer to work, but what’s the point if I’m not staying long. I hate dining out. I’m getting close to the level of money and lifestyle I had before I left (“Fill in the blank yourself”) on my first term of employment (4 years ago), and I barely work. My managers/ supervisors have quickly learned to not even bother trying to pawn shifts onto me. 😉

As i sat at the kitchen table today and checked out the newspaper advertisements over a coffee, I noticed there’s a crap ton of crap I can buy right now: fresher shoes, shiny watches, fancy colognes, and a nicer backpack. But i don’t need them. I looked through the flyers for an hour and the only thing that got me out the door was Giant Tiger’s sale of ribbed tank tops for $3.00 a pop. When my mom and sister asked me what i wanted for my birthday earlier this year, I told them to buy me a card. If you told me I had a month to live, I’m 100% positive I wouldn’t buy or change anything.

What a weird place to be in with no want, no object of desire.

A few years ago a bar buddy told me, “Sometimes it’s better to want something than to have it.” That holds heavy meaning to me now. The way I see it- wanting something/ someone puts you in an insecure state of mind that diverts you from the important questions which reveal y[our] foolish characteristics. It distracts us from our existence.

Looks like the time is nearing for me to go international, and hit the road once again. Tons of interesting experiences to come. Although, without a mission it can be just as shallow to rack up new ventures like it is female escapades. What’s going to guide me to an honorable end? What will motivate me to get up when i fall? What will make me a better man?

Maybe having a serious committed relationship will do it. I can go to China, settle down with a cutie and consider contributing to the hatching of an egg. That will keep me challenged for a while. For the majority of human civilization, having a child solved the mission dilemma.

But, NO… I’d rather remain a single bachelor. Monogamy to me appears like early retirement from the most notable parts of life.

You know how when someone is sure to die they’re put in a hospice so they are as relaxed and at ease as possible? I feel like I’m in life’s hospice. Just fucking around to amuse myself, wishing the hands of time weren’t against me. I’m nowhere near wealthy, but this must be how wealthy people feel.

I feel hollow. Not happy or sad, just hollow.