I hate to hate you: Part 3/3

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She pushed me onto the bed, and took a deep drag of her smoke as we locked eyes. 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi. She didn’t blink, nor did I…

Me: “OHHH IT’S ON!!! YOU’RE NOT WINNING THIS TIME!”

Her: “Wanna bet?”

Me: “…”

I silently stared her down, as she leaned in and slowly started unbuckling my belt with a smug look on her face.

Me: “Yo! Throw that shit out, before it burns a hole in my bed!” *BLINK* *BLINK*

(Regained composure – hoping she’s too far gone to have caught that)

After tossing the cigarette, she made her way to the bedroom door and flicked the light switch off. I could feel her lean in close, and whisper “I win.”

Me: “Fuck you :-)”

*ROMP* *ROMP* *ROMP*

40 minutes later…

Her: “E, you up for another round?”

Me: “We just went through this over an hour ago.”

Her: “Ok, ok, ok… Be right back.”

Ugh, I could feel it staring at me again. I grabbed the decorated envelope off of the night table, and held it up to the bright moon shining through my window. I couldn’t believe I was contemplating opening this again, considering what had just transpired.

Her: “E, what’s that?”

Me: “Don’t worry about it. Got drinks?”

Her: “Yea, here.”

She passes over a drink, and proceeds to cuddle up next to me. A minute of silence transpired, as an awkward tension engulfed the dark room.

Her: “It’s ****** isn’t it?”

Me: “Yea.”

Her: “E, you know it’s okay to feel emotional. I’m here for you.”

Me: *Sigh*

Her: “Ouu, the envelope looks really pretty. Do you want to open it?”

Me: *Sigh*

Her: “Do you want me to read it to you?”

Me: *Sigh*

Her: “Open it you grouch.”

Listening to her read the double-sided 5 page farewell letter you left me, was the most painful 20 minutes of my life.

Although it’s been 3 months since I left for China, you’ve been on my mind. This is for you…

  • I HATE the emotions I felt that night, and the ones that I’m feeling right now.
  • I HATE that you baked me banana bread, and won my family over with it.
  • I HATE the way your eyes light up every time you looked at me.
  • I HATE that you always told me to look at the bright side of things.
  • I HATE that you believed in me.
  • I HATE that you know me as well as my family does.
  • I HATE that you completely overlooked my somewhat negative and dark outlook of the world.
  • I HATE that you were always there for me, even when everything in my life was looking grim.
  • I HATE that you a hold a special place in my heart.
  • I HATE that you mailed me that letter.

I HATE THAT I HATE YOU.

Maybe this will get around to you one day…

I miss you.

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