Evolution

gorilla

Before I had set out on a mission to rebuild my life two years ago, I must have been over 6K in debt. The duration of this rebuild has had it’s ups and downs, but the pay off has proven to be bitter sweet. I’m now sitting on a solid foundation of money.

I currently have three monthly expenses: my cell phone bill, public transit commuting, and a TESOL certification course, which are all minimal expenses.

I live like I’m poor. I can afford to purchase my own whip, but I don’t want one. I can get my own space closer to work, but what’s the point if I’m not staying long. I hate dining out. I’m getting close to the level of money and lifestyle I had before I left (“Fill in the blank yourself”) on my first term of employment (4 years ago), and I barely work. My managers/ supervisors have quickly learned to not even bother trying to pawn shifts onto me. 😉

As i sat at the kitchen table today and checked out the newspaper advertisements over a coffee, I noticed there’s a crap ton of crap I can buy right now: fresher shoes, shiny watches, fancy colognes, and a nicer backpack. But i don’t need them. I looked through the flyers for an hour and the only thing that got me out the door was Giant Tiger’s sale of ribbed tank tops for $3.00 a pop. When my mom and sister asked me what i wanted for my birthday earlier this year, I told them to buy me a card. If you told me I had a month to live, I’m 100% positive I wouldn’t buy or change anything.

What a weird place to be in with no want, no object of desire.

A few years ago a bar buddy told me, “Sometimes it’s better to want something than to have it.” That holds heavy meaning to me now. The way I see it- wanting something/ someone puts you in an insecure state of mind that diverts you from the important questions which reveal y[our] foolish characteristics. It distracts us from our existence.

Looks like the time is nearing for me to go international, and hit the road once again. Tons of interesting experiences to come. Although, without a mission it can be just as shallow to rack up new ventures like it is female escapades. What’s going to guide me to an honorable end? What will motivate me to get up when i fall? What will make me a better man?

Maybe having a serious committed relationship will do it. I can go to China, settle down with a cutie and consider contributing to the hatching of an egg. That will keep me challenged for a while. For the majority of human civilization, having a child solved the mission dilemma.

But, NO… I’d rather remain a single bachelor. Monogamy to me appears like early retirement from the most notable parts of life.

You know how when someone is sure to die they’re put in a hospice so they are as relaxed and at ease as possible? I feel like I’m in life’s hospice. Just fucking around to amuse myself, wishing the hands of time weren’t against me. I’m nowhere near wealthy, but this must be how wealthy people feel.

I feel hollow. Not happy or sad, just hollow.

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